Friday, August 5, 2016

6 Weeks.

6 weeks.

That's how long this little baby lived in my womb.
6 weeks.
Only a week and a half were we aware of the baby.

I puked for no reason on Monday after we got back from Chicago. I figured I was pregnant. A few days later I finally took a pregnancy test and sure enough, it was positive.

Friday I went to the doctor to have a dating ultrasound because my periods still haven't been regular since having Peyton (because I'm still nursing him). From the ultrasound, they guess was that the baby was about five and a half weeks. They gave me and estimated due date of March 14th and planned on bringing me back in 10 days to do another ultrasound to confirm the due date.

On Tuesday night, I started spotting a little. Wednesday morning I was more... so I called and talked to the nurse at my OB's office. The radiologist had read my ultrasound and noted that I had a hematoma near the implantation site, which would explain the spotting.

Thursday I was bleeding more, so I called and asked if I could come in for another ultrasound. The nurse sounded hopeful on the phone because I was still puking lots... but I kind of already knew that the baby was gone.

The ultrasound tech didn't say much... so I knew it was bad news.

The doctor said that the baby probably died on Monday based on measurements. She wanted me to get blood work to confirm my HCG levels were dropping, but was pretty sure I was miscarrying.

Saturday my labs were posted online and sure enough, my HCG levels dropped, which confirmed.

I was pretty miserable both emotionally and physically on Saturday and Sunday. I was having contractions and cramping on and off and lots of bleeding.

Sunday afternoon around 3:00 the gestational sac with the baby inside was passed.

I was hoping that once the baby was out, that I would start to feel better, but the contractions, cramping, and bleeding continued for several days.

On Thursday, we took the baby to the funeral home for cremation. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the baby at first, but I knew for sure that I didn't want to just flush the baby... it wasn't a dead goldfish. And I knew I didn't wan to bury the baby in a backyard because the baby wasn't a pet (and who knows how long we will live here). The baby was a human being...created in the imagine of God. I felt that the baby, even though only a few weeks developed, deserved something more. Then someone mentioned that most funeral homes will do cremation free of charge for miscarried and stillborn babies and that sounded like a good option for me. It sounds weird, but having Michael's ashes around bring me comfort, so hopefully having the baby's ashes around will also bring me comfort.

The following Thursday, I was able to pick up the baby's ashes from the funeral home.

This morning we talked to Emily, Kyle, Colby, and Peyton about the baby. We told them that God had put another baby in mommy's belly, but the baby died before it had much of a chance to grow. We explained that once the baby came out, we got a small bag of ashes like we have Bumpa's box.
As a family we went to Build A Bear and made a bear for the baby. All four kids picked out little hearts and put them inside. We also put the baby's ashes inside. Now we have a very special bear to help us remember the baby.

We've had lots of conversations about the baby this morning. The kids are all pretty sure the baby was a boy (I was thinking the baby was a boy too!). Kyle and Emily have talked about the baby being in Heaven with Bumpa. Emily has talked about the other baby we lost too (Kyle and Emily's triplet). Colby is kind of confused as to why the baby is now in the bear's belly instead of mommy's, but eventually he'll understand.

While we never got to actually meet our baby, the baby is still apart of our family. We still lost another child. God created life inside of me, and while that life only lasted for a short while, it was still a life. Still a child. Still loved. We are a family of eight. Four kids here with us to raise and watch grow up and two waiting in Heaven for us.
While death is never okay and was never supposed to be apart of the plan, God is still in control and sees the big picture. God intentionally created this baby even though He knew the plan for the baby. God has a purpose for the baby's short life... and someday we may know what that purpose was or we may never know, but we do have hope in a good God who is sovereign over all things. We have hope in a God who always works for the good of those who love Him, even when it doesn't seem that way to us. We have hope...
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen! Romans 11:36

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